i was surfing through friendster and saw the profile of this old college nemesis (we haven't made up. i still have issues against her). she posted her blog address, so i checked it out.

i read all her articles. i felt truly, truly sorry for all the family troubles she was having. i may hate her, but family trouble is not one thing i wish on an enemy. it's sacred ground for me. i believe everybody deserves a peaceful, loving family life. it's the foundation of everything.

i'm also not happy about her and her family's financial problems. i've felt what it's like to be needy, and i wouldn't wish it on her either. i sincerely hope she gets through her money problems.

but i can't help but feel good when i read about her problems in her professional and lovelife. i just went "take that, you bitch. karma works."

i know it's so mean of me, and i am feeling a twinge of shame. it's just that she was aboslutely horrible to me in college. she was a LYING, BACK-STABBING. ARROGANT, PRETENTIOUS bitch, and i'm glad she's getting her comeuppance. after all the mean things she said and did to me and her attempts to ruin my reputation in our circle of friends (she even got some of her friends to write mean things about me in a public log book anonymously (but i figured out who they were after i caught them at it), even defiling a greeting card that was sent to me, it's but natural she suffer. my encounters with her were among my darkest days in school. 

in college, she pranced around like she was the most profound being. she acted like she was little miss perfect who excelled at everything and couldn't hurt a fly. well, now she's a fat employee who's less than happy with her job. she's always so defensive about going into that industry. if i were in her position, i wouldn't be so ashamed. it's good money and requires a certain kind of expertise. i guess she's defensive because she used to strut around like she'd naturally get this prestigious, well-respected job after school. buti nga sa yo, yan ang napapala mo. kala mo kasi ikaw na ang pinakamagaling sa mundo.

her lovelife's in shambles as well. i couldn't gloat, because my lovelife isn't going well either. (remember the guy i wrote about a few entries ago? well, forget him. that thing fizzled out. but that's another entry). but at least if i'm miserable about matters of the heart, at least my enemy is, too.

after reading her entries, i envisioned myself running into her while i'm with my colleagues. we'd come from opposite directions and look at each other head to foot. while i'm no taller than her, at least i'm not overweight and don't look like a barrel with steel wool for hair (i love curly hair, but i hate her hair because it's hers).

i'd be dressed in a sexy but subtle outfit, armed with the gadgets for the job that we both envisioned getting when we were in college (i actually have that job now, hehe). after looking at her dismissively, i'd turn to my colleagues, flash an awesome smile, and resume chatting with them about work. she, on the other hand, would continue gaping, ovberhearing me and my colleagues' conversation and realize the girl she used to put down has the job she wanted and looks like a million bucks compared to her. it's a cheap shot, but i can't help but gloat at her extra poundage. she's always been concerned about it because she has a tendency to gain weight, and now her figure's gone to pot. what can i say? when i'm hurt, i hit them where it hurts.

okay, okay, my real name's cruella de ville. i just want that bitch to realize that while i may not have everything, at least i have (some of what) she wants. hehe. vengeance is sweet.


      
p.s. naisip ko din na maaring makarma din ako. for all i know, someone who thinks i was the ultimate bitch back then is reading my entries, going, "take that, you evil, lying, arrogant, ugly, pretentious witch!" and gloating at my troubles. 

one sign that i am really getting is old is that i am having a hard time holding my alcohol. three shots of tequila (and a can of beer) and i'm down. and i mean down. no amount of prodding could make me get up, let alone wake up. it's a good thing i'm a nice drunk. i only go to sleep and don't do anything wild or blurt out any secrets. the worst thing about me being drunk is i lose all ability to be vertical. i can't stand up, which means i can't walk. so, my friends have to either carry me (if they're nice and strong and stable) or drag me to the car or the room. 
 
my friend tin says tequila and beer are a bad combination. it will really make you drunk. maybe, but i still say i am getting drunk a lot faster now; maybe not with beer, but with the hard drinks. whenever i take tequila shots, it's like i can feel the alcohol going through my bloodstream and affecting my brain. it wasn't like that before. sure, in the past i get tipsy and can't walk straight, but at least i can still stand up and mumble a few sentences to my friends.

i remember the first time i got drunk. it was because of vodka (the unflavored kind, you know, the one without any fruity mix). we were swimming that time, and i thought that though the world seemed to spinning, i was okay because i was able to take a shower and get half-dressed. but as i was putting on my pants, i fell down on the very wet bathroom floor. i lay there for a minute or two. i was able to stand up and lean over the sink, trying to get my bearings. a friend walked in, saw my very wet clothes and said, "o, akala ko ba nagbihis ka na?" 

i was able to stumble out of the bathroom to get to the tables. i was very dizzy then and remember parting the dancing crowd who got in my way. sitting in a chair was pure relief because i was able to put my head down on the table. with my wet clothes and the cool breeze, i was shivering too much to get some sleep. good thing this guy friend (whom i found very cute and had a crush on back then) was around to lend me his jacket. (but on hindsight, i realize that i probably did not make a very good impression on him, being wet and drunk and all. i was sure i didn't even comb my hair. but anyway, we still became very close and good friends).  

i rue the day when i lose my ability to handle beer. that would really mean that i am old. :-P when i go out with friends now, i'd rather drink beer. i'm still able to down four to five bottles of san mig light (not sure with the pale pilsen, though) without being crazy.

i realize that i don't really need to drink whenever i go out. but sometimes it helps loosen me up during those times when i'm feeling shy or tense. and sometimes its just nice to bond with girlfriends over beer.  

just keep the hard drinks away from me. an oldie like me is having a hard time handling them. or maybe i'll just limit the tequila shots to two.  

for the first time this summer, i went swimming. (yeah, pathetic. what was i doing during all those past weeks?!)

never mind that it wasn't in some hip beach like boracay or el nido or even galera, or in some swanky resort like mactan shangri la. all that mattered to me was that there was a body of water that was not a bathtub and in which i could immerse myself.

anyway, it was in some tiny resort in marikina with one adult pool (with a winding slide) and one kiddie pool (with a normal slide that was only three feet long).

i went with my good friend elaine. the place was only 10 minutes away from her house by foot. nice! and what was even nicer was that we had the whole place to ourselves! as in aside from us, caretakers lang yung tao. it's a good thing we went on a weekday. no pesky kids, no leers from guys with disgusting beer bellies. it's really nice to practice my rusty freestyle swimming without becoming too conscious. minsan kasi ang daming show offs. hmp. and i was able to splash as much as i wanted to. i wish we had a pool at home.

also, i was so excited to finally go swimming that even having my period didn't deter me. yes, i went swimming even during this time of the month. guys, don't be grossed out. i didn't turn the pool red. a girl's period stops when she is immersed in water. this is a fact. but of course, i had to clean myself in the shower room first before heading for the pool. and i had to walk quickly to get in the water so that my period won't get a chance to return.

we went swimming around 3 pm. i tried, but failed, to get a tan. maybe it was because part of the pool was shaded by trees, even though i made it a point to stay on the sun drenched side. or maybe it was because i also put on sunblock spf 30. i used sunblock not because i was afraid of getting dark. i was more worried about sunburn, wrinkles and cancer, hence the protection. too bad it also protected me from getting the "in" thing now, which is a bronze skin color. oh well, kakaririn ko na lang ang maputla look. :-D

it was also nice to spend some time with my good friend, whom i met in college. we had fun gossiping about kabarkadas and former classmates and exchanging stories about the guys we meet or are interested in. bonding ever! hehehe.

we went back to her place after three hours. i showered there and went home. i didn't mind the hour long commute from marikina to my home in quezon city. i was happy that i finally got to swim. now i can finally say that my summer wasn't so bad.  




 

share ko lang people. i love this passage. i'm resolved to use it as my guiding principle in matters of the heart. no more fear (i hope, i hope, i hope). 

from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran

When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

 

i just want to share this with everyone. this is a very interesting and well-written piece. obviously, sobrang nakarelate ako. i'm going through the same thing, only this piece's author put all the confusion, angst and fear that comes with a quarterlifecrisis into words far more eloquently. :-) 

by the way, i highlighted the parts i liked best.

special thanks to rex of chimp.blogdrive.com (plugging! hehe) for this.



Being Twenty-Something to Thirty-Something

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along
with the crowd and start realizing that there are a
lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like.

You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two,
but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends
that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you
have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most
important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too
and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as
confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would
be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going
to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same
people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so
great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not
want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and
find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize
that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is
acceptable and what is not.

You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest
force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change
is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon
realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to
do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such
damage to you or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent
enough to get to know better.

You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why
you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting
wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. (i'm still not totally over the getting wasted part. mukhang nag eenjoy pa ako. :-D--- quarterlifer, blog owner). 

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with
your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a
decision. You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for
yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just
like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We
are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can
to figure this whole thing out.

Send this to your twenty-something (to thirty-something) friends...maybe
it will help someone feel like they are not alone in their state of
confusion that are our postgrad years!!!

writer: Jovenal Israel Tuplano Jr.

i'm finally making headway with this guy i've been obsessing about (i don't mean to imply i'm a stalker). it's just that we get to see each other on a fairly regular basis and interact more often. for me, a painfully shy girl especially with the opposite sex, that's quite an achievement.

i just wish this newfound friendship and communication would continue. he seems open enough and i've noticed (modesty aside) that he goes out of his way to talk to me or sit beside me. yiheee, kilig. ang babaw ko, hehehe.

it's just that it's been so long since i got this giddy feeling. i broke up with my first love three years ago, and i think i've grieved enough. it's about time i start getting back into the social scene.

funny how this giddiness is affecting everything else. i'm less bitter and no longer gag at seeing couples. in fact, i catch myself smiling when i see them. such a different reaction (especially gauging from my earlier post when i revealed that i secretly become happy when i hear about couples breaking up). i can even relate to those embarassingly mushy songs. strange what a new guy in your life could do to you, hehehe.

i'm looking forward to friday. i'm finally going swimming. summer's almost over, and i still look as pale as ever. hindi ako uso ngayon kasi maputi ako.

i'm deleting this entry (which was written a few weeks ago) because i've realized it's become totally irrelevant to my life.

i am on a constant battle to lose just a few more pounds. don't get me wrong; i am not in anyway anorexic or bulimic. nope, those disorders are not just my thing.

i am not overweight. at five feet tall and weighing in at 95 to 98 pounds, i'm within the healthy range.

but i do worry about the shape of my body on a fairly regular basis. it's a vanity thing. of course i want to look good in my clothes, which is why i want to be slimmer. i particular hate my arms, because they're round. i don't want to lift weights anymore. i tried that and i just got bulk-- not the slim, toned arms models have. ugh. my legs could use a little work, too. but i guess i'm lucky because i have a shapely waist.

the thing is, i really love to eat. i love food, and have a very sweet tooth. i try to eat healthy, but my good intentions fly away at the sight and smell of  fat-laden, rich or decadent food.

you know that john mayer song "love song for no one?" i hate to say this, but i can totally relate to that.

it just smacks of loneliness, longing and hope-- feelings i experience regularly, except perhaps for the third, which only comes every now and then.

it's friday now, and i'm home early. i don't really like going out on fridays to be with the madding crowd at malls, bars and restos, but what bugs me is that i am home on a friday night not because i opted for it, but because i have no choice.